In my graduate school library, there’s a really old, unreliable elevator. It’s so slow that it often takes a full ten minutes to get from the third floor to the first. Sometimes, it doesn’t come at all. As a joke, we nicknamed it “Godot,” referring to a Samuel Beckett play about two men waiting endlessly.
Right now, my whole life feels like “Waiting for Godot.” I don’t usually have a problem with waiting. The bus is fifteen minutes late? No worries; I know it’s coming. There’s a line circling the block for my favorite ice cream store? That’s OK; happiness is literally right around the corner.
Meanwhile, I’ve recently realized that I do have trouble waiting if I don’t know the outcome. After I’ve done everything that I can to work toward a goal, I find it hard to just hang out and wait for someone or something else to determine my fate. After a little while, I begin to get worried and antsy, doubting my chances of success. As more time passes, I feel restless and bored. After a long wait, I may even go numb and start to “check out.” Other times, I go through all of these emotions within the same half hour.
My neighbor Jessica experienced exactly the same thing. After applying to a Master’s degree program, she was struggling to keep herself engaged for several months until she found out her status. “I’m going bananas!” she exclaimed in our yard one day.
At the time, I thought her life looked great. “You have all of this amazing free time,” I pointed out. “What have you always wanted to do that you never had time for before?”
“Well, I do like quilting,” she admitted, “and I’d love to go to yoga more often.”
“There ya’ go!” I smiled.
Debbie Ford recommends paying close attention to the advice that we give others, since it’s usually the advice that we ourselves need to hear. So, what advice would I give to myself right now while I’m in limbo? For starters, it’s time to take that glass blowing class that I’ve always wanted to try. My apartment could also use a good, thorough scrubbing.
I threw the coins of the iChing the other day to see how else I could use this time productively. The answer: “Purify your heart and mind.” I’m certainly getting plenty of practice. Throughout this waiting period, many of my old, negative thoughts and urges have been resurfacing. It’s as if all of my old demons showed up and announced, “So, we hear you’ve got some free time on your hands….” It’s been an interesting, helpful use of my time, retraining myself to react positively to challenging situations – or not to react at all.
So, if anyone asks what I’m doing with myself while waiting, you can tell him or her that I’m doing some housekeeping…both inside and out.
© 2011 by Laurie Gardner
