Have you ever been with your family over the holidays, when all of a sudden, you revert to a much younger age? Maybe your parents or siblings say or do something that used to drive you nuts, and you find yourself becoming a resentful teenager. Or perhaps you slip back to your five-year-old self, trying to please everyone and keep the peace.
Whether spending time with family is pleasant or painful is directly related to family cycles. By “family cycles,” I mean those patterns of thought and behaviors that we subconsciously picked up at home as kids and still carry into our adult lives today. Perhaps you learned to “play the martyr” from an overworked parent or that “money was evil” from a well-meaning aunt. Unfortunately, we often not only adopt these unhelpful attitudes and actions, but also unwittingly pass them along to the next generation.
You can tell you’re perpetuating a family cycle in one of three ways: 1) You repeat the same behaviors or beliefs, 2) You rebel against them (“I’ll never be like my mom or dad”), or 3) You attract people into your life who have them. Sometimes, you do all three. In my own family, judgment is a big pattern. Before becoming aware of family cycles, I was continuing to judge others and myself, was feeling resentful of other judgmental people while working hard not to be judgmental myself, and was attracting extremely judgmental people into my workplace, social circles, and relationships.
So if someone passes you the eggnog, and you suddenly find yourself getting emotionally triggered, what can you do? First, do your best to calmly ask yourself, “How old am I right now?” If the answer is anything less than your current age, it’s a good clue that you’ve just stumbled upon a family cycle. Next, ask, “What family beliefs and behaviors am I repeating, rebelling against, or attracting?” Soon, you’ll realize that it’s not about what the other person is saying and doing but about your own internal awareness and how you choose to react. If you want to stay stuck, blame the other person for being this or that, react negatively, and have a miserable holiday. If you want to learn and grow, take a hard look at the attitudes or actions you’ve learned as a kid and want to now shift in your mature, adult life.
After recognizing that you’ve uncovered one of your family cycles, give the cycle a name, like “feeling sorry for myself” or “needing to impress others.” Next, forgive your family members for teaching it to you. After all, they only learned it from their families before them. After thanking them for the lesson, commit to continue catching yourself and putting an end to that cycle. Finally, be grateful for your new, evolved awareness. How wonderful that you no longer have to blindly repeat thoughts and behaviors that no longer serve you.
Identifying and breaking free from family cycles is a skill that lasts long beyond the holidays. Better still, it’s the gift that keeps on giving.
© 2012 Laurie Gardner
