Why is it so hard for us to tell people our real feelings? Whether we’re in a work setting, personal relationship, or family scenario, why are we so hesitant to be honest in the moment to someone’s face? Are we afraid to hurt their feelings, afraid of confrontation, not sure what to say, or afraid to say something we might regret later? Even with all of these potential feelings arising, couldn’t we still just be honest and tell the person the truth? Why is it so difficult for us to admit, “I’m not sure what to say right now,” or “I’m really angry, and I’m afraid I might say something I don’t really mean.” How about, “I need some time alone right now to sort out my feelings, but let’s connect back soon.” Anything real would be better than running away or withholding the truth.
Many of you read my recent blog about a guy I dated a few months ago who, after a couple of fun, passionate dates, promised to stay in touch, then suddenly dropped off the face of the earth. I’ve since heard at least half a dozen stories from friends and family who have had similar experiences. Instead of communicating what was going on for them, their love interests just suddenly withdrew, leaving them hurt, angry, and perplexed. (I’d love to write a Nancy Drew-style mystery called, “The Case of the Disappearing Date!”)
I recently had coffee with the guy who had suddenly dumped me and asked if he felt comfortable enough to share with me what had happened for him. He initially communicated openly and authentically, saying that he had felt “into me” the first couple of times, but then felt detached and no longer attracted on the third date. Feeling a bit vulnerable, but calm, I thanked him for his honesty and asked why he hadn’t told me that back then, instead of saying he’d call, then avoiding me. At that point in our conversation, he suddenly got very defensive and even verbally attacked me a little bit. While he had been able to describe what had happened for him emotionally in the past, he was having trouble honestly communicating his feelings in the present moment. I thought of all the things he could have answered: “I needed time to sort out my feelings;” “I was afraid to hurt you;” “I’m not really sure, to tell you the truth,” etc. Any of those would have been easy for me to hear and understand. It was fascinating for me to observe that even when someone calmly, openly requests the truth, it can be hard to look them in the eye and be honest.
I’m not judging this guy; I actually think he’s a great person. But I believe his difficulty with honest communication in the moment is more typical than we may think. Ironically, while many of us avoid telling the truth for fear of hurting someone, we end up hurting a person a lot more in the long run by not having been authentic at the outset. Similarly, while many people don’t like anger and confrontation, when we initially lie or withhold the full information from someone, they ultimately feel angrier toward us if they’re left in the dark or after they discover the truth than if we had just spoken authentically in the moment.
I’m not advocating being hurtfully blunt or cruel as “telling the truth.” Quite the contrary, I believe it’s critical when telling the truth to come from an honest, centered, compassionate place. The goal is to express what’s real in a non-hurtful, non-blameful way. It’s also extremely important to only express what’s going on for you, to take accountability for your own feelings and actions, without trying to guess or express what you think the other person is feeling or thinking.
If you get “off balance” while speaking the truth in the moment and find yourself becoming blameful, angry, or negative, then admit that truth out loud as well, apologizing immediately or as soon as you regain balance. As soon as you’re re-centered and calm, begin again to communicate authentically from your heart. Similarly, if the person you’re communicating with gets off balance and becomes defensive, attacking, or negative, breathe, and stay centered. Either keep speaking your truth if their reaction diffuses, or acknowledge that now might not be a good time to continue the conversation, and offer to connect back in the near future.
This advice may sound like Basic Communication 101, and you may feel like you know it all already. Indeed, we’ve all been taught – and we all know intellectually – that “honesty is the best policy.” However, as I continue to observe my own communication in difficult moments and that of others, I keep discovering just how challenging it often is for us to put this into practice.
So, here’s a homework assignment: Practice being real in the moment with a live person. (Email or phone communication doesn’t count.) Start off slow: Practice in less “charged” situations, e.g. when emotions aren’t as high or with someone who’s “safe,” whom you know will take it well. If you’re not sure what the truth is yet for yourself, try writing in a journal first to get to your underlying feelings. You could also ask yourself when feeling unclear, “What am I really feeling here?” “Why am I reluctant to admit the truth to myself and/or this other person?” Once you’re able to speak your truth in a compassionate way, begin practicing with more difficult scenarios and people. Remember that you can’t be responsible for how someone else reacts…not everyone is yet able to speak and hear the truth. However, you can hold yourself accountable to always trying to be as authentic and loving in the moment as you can.
Here’s to being real, with ourselves and others!
Laurie
© 2009 by Laurie Gardner
