“Et tu, Brute?” says a startled Julius Caesar in the Shakespeare tragedy, as he dies on the point of his closest friend’s sword.
While most modern day betrayals are not as dramatic as getting run through by a sword, many of us have felt the pain of getting stabbed in the back. Many betrayals take place in romantic relationships, such as being cheated on, going through nasty divorces, and being told how special we are while dating someone, then breaking up and watching our former partner quickly fall for someone else. Romantic betrayals are often the most painful, because they hit us in our most intimate place. Someone we loved and trusted deeply hurt us for their own advantage. Given the choice between their needs and desires and our love and gifts, they chose themselves.
Some betrayals happen at a very early age when a parent neglects or abandons the family. Still other betrayals are smaller and subtler, such as discovering that someone we trusted has said something unkind or broken a confidence behind our backs. Whether a person did something intentionally or subconsciously to cause us harm, the sting of betrayal takes a long time to heal, often deeply damaging our ability to trust. In a way, more dramatic betrayals are better, because at least we take notice. With the more subtle forms, we may feel hurt, but not realize that our fundamental faith in humanity is being eroded.
Many of us also betray ourselves. We make self-promises that we continually break, such as vowing to stop smoking or to go more regularly to the gym. We promise to leave the job we hate or to step away from the relationship that is holding us back. Instead, we never seem to fully motivate and keep making excuses for not treating ourselves emotionally and physically better. As an unfortunate result, we lose faith in our ability to come through for ourselves.
Why didn’t Caesar see it coming? Is it possible to foretell betrayal, or better yet, to prevent it altogether? Many times, betrayal is unintentional. Two underlying causes are selfishness and jealousy, both of which are frequently subconscious. Often, people are so focused on themselves and their own feelings and wants that they don’t even realize when their selfishness has caused them to betray another. Similarly, when we witness someone who is joyful and successful, it sometimes triggers our own unhappiness and feeling of lack. As a result, we may unconsciously react badly, jealously trying to tear the person down.
So, where does that leave us? Should we close up and trust no one? I don’t recommend the cocoon approach. Instead, when someone breaks your trust, whether in a small or big way, I’d do your best to forgive them – then keep them at arm’s length and open your eyes wider the next time.
Exactly how do we open our eyes, learning to see people and situations more clearly? How do we know when to keep others at arm’s length and to set strong boundaries? For starters, don’t open up to people too quickly; wait and get to know them first. Even if you feel an “instant connection,” watch them in different scenarios over time. Observe how they interact, not only with you, but with everyone around them, including animals and complete strangers.
Do they generally seem to put themselves or others first? When they’re tired and unhappy, do they treat others kindly and with understanding, or do they lash out impatiently and critically? What are they like when it comes to money and romance: secure and generous, or constantly stressing and obsessing? How do they feel about their own lives, confident and hopeful or complaining and negative? These are clues as to how someone might treat you when they’re feeling off-center, a state that could lead to purposeful or inadvertent betrayal.
Also pay attention to those whom you already know. When your life is going well, are your friends, neighbors, co-workers, and loved ones supportive and encouraging, or do you detect competition and jealousy? More than once, I’ve enthusiastically shared my excitement about new opportunities and successes with those I thought were my allies, only to have them bad-mouth me or do things to sabotage my happiness. It never occurred to me that anyone close to me would try to hurt me; I thought we were mutually supporting each other’s endeavors.
As I’ve grown, I’ve become less naïve. I’ve also realized that trust is not “all or nothing.” True, there are some people whom you shouldn’t trust at all, but these are a minority of the people you’ll meet, as are the people whom you can trust completely. Most people are somewhere in-between: you can trust them up to a certain point, but not about all things and not at all times. For example, there are people whom I trust in the professional arena, but with whom I only share limited aspects of my personal life. Among my friends, there are some who are deeper in my “inner circle” than others.
I’m not saying that no one can or should be fully trusted. Indeed, feeling safe enough to trust another human being completely is one of the most powerful experiences there is. However, I can count on one hand the people I trust 100%. If you have more than a handful of people whom you’re fully trusting, you’re either extremely lucky, or you may need to monitor your confidences more closely.
Bottom line: Use discernment. Don’t offer your heart as an open book, inviting people who aren’t happy and confident to betray you. Nor should you mistrust everyone, eyeing the entire world askance. Instead, open up slowly; send out test balloons and watch. If you discover that the person you’d like to trust is driven primarily by their own interests or frequently acts unstably, keep your guard up. If the person is consistently, genuinely delighted and excited for you when you’re doing well, even when he or she is going through a difficult time, then they’re a keeper. Enjoy as the mutual trust deepens and unfolds.
Even with clear-seeing and balanced efforts, could you still get burned? Absolutely. If you do get stabbed in the back, simply pull out the blade and walk away peacefully, knowing that you have been loyal and have fully loved.
May we all find at least one person on this planet whom we can trust completely and who completely trusts us.
May we treat our own bodies and spirits well so that we can always trust ourselves.
© 2009 by Laurie Gardner
