My upstairs neighbor has a theory. “If you find someone you really like, you should wait 30 days before sleeping with them,” she told me over my kitchen table. “It worked for me and my husband.”
I don’t know that I agree we need to wait a month before sleeping with someone. (In fact, I like to kiss a potential romantic partner within the first two weeks; I’ve found all the information I need is in his kiss….) However, I like the concept of slowing down and getting to know people with eyes fully open before just jumping in blindly. This feels like sage advice for any new relationship, romantic or otherwise.
How many times have we opened our hearts almost immediately to someone? We think to ourselves, “Hey, this person is really fun/cool/sexy/smart (insert appropriate positive words here…). I think I’ll jump right into a relationship with them!”
A few days, weeks, or months later, the friendship or romantic relationship takes a turn for the worse. That special person pulls away or turns out to be not whom we thought they were. Why? Did the person suddenly change? Did we?
More likely, we just didn’t take the time to get to know that person well enough first. After the initial “best behavior” period, many people can no longer put up a mask, and they start to show you more of who they really are – the good, bad, and the ugly. You may really enjoy and feel even more drawn to this person’s true self, or you may notice yourself or them starting to disconnect.
In addition, most people constantly put others into familiar roles, projecting onto them our parents, siblings, former romantic partners, etc. We’re not purposefully malicious; it’s often just hard to separate out past experiences and relationships from new people that we meet, especially at the beginning. Because of these subconscious projections, many of us feel misunderstood or not “seen” for who we are in our relationships.
Moreover, we need to be aware of where people are on their life paths. You may be clear about what you came here to do in this life, whereas the other person is still figuring out who they are. Just because you’re ready for a committed romantic relationship, it doesn’t mean the object of your affection doesn’t need to heal past wounds or overcome deep fears before they can openly love and be loved.
If we jump into a relationship right away, without the awareness of our and other people’s projections and progress on our life paths, we are setting ourselves up for pain and disappointment. I’m not suggesting that we keep someone we like at arm’s length or that we shouldn’t open up to them. I’m simply recommending that we slow down and keep our eyes open in proportion to our hearts.
In general, I’m finding that slowing down is an important adjustment to make in my life. A recent knee injury has made me realize how quickly I usually move my body. As I’m recovering, I’m practicing walking more slowly, talking slowly, chewing and eating more deliberately and appreciatively, and breathing more fully and deeply. I’m also slowing down my brain, gently checking my thoughts when they spin out of control. I’m focusing my intention on being more patient, letting events and relationships in my life unfold, rather than trying to force things into a certain direction or timeline.
The i Ching advises us that the path to true joy is slow and steady. By being gentle, honest, and accepting, we will slowly, but surely, find our way to lasting happiness. Walk slowly, gentle warriors.
Love,
Laurie
© 2009 by Laurie Gardner
Personally, I think this lesson ties in nilecy with the previous one about where we're planted. I find that when I'm placed in the scrap heap' (for lack of a better term), out of pure desperation, it's the only time I'll be willing to learn the lesson around me that are required to grow. Long after the fact, I'll generally come to the realization, that's the best place I could have been.So the question I have to ask myself is why I need to place myself in the dump before I'm willing to learn anything? I think it's precisely because of the fact that I don't go slowly and learn what I can when things are moving along confortably. That seems to be when I'm obstinate to and unrecptive to what surrounds me and there's a price to pay for that. For one, I'm missing out on something, plus, I'm likely leading myself down a road where I'm going to learn it anyway, except it will be the hard way (with me asking myself how I got here again). So this is an important point to put into practice.