As I’ve been constantly accosted by Italian men on this trip, one of the major lessons I’ve been experimenting with is personal boundaries. On the one hand, arriving to this passionate country as a typical uptight American, product of the Puritan heritage, I knew that I had to lighten up and relax. On the other hand, I know that I also suffer from not having firm enough boundaries sometimes, and I let people enter into my physical and emotional space when I really don’t want them to.
So where’s the boundary with boundaries? When should we push ourselves outside of our “comfort zones,” and when should we stick firmly to our boundaries and insist that others do the same?
First and foremost, before we can decide whether to honor or push our boundaries, we need to know where they are. In each area of our life, we need to decide where we are comfortable pushing forward, and where we want to stop. For example, here in Italy, perhaps I accept an invitation to dinner from a man I just met, but I decide not to sleep with him. Or perhaps I sense that this man is not to be trusted, so I walk away as quickly as possible. Or maybe I feel so comfortable at dinner, and my intuition tells me that he’s someone I can trust, that I do end up getting romantic with him. Because I know what my boundary is, i.e. “I will only go out with and become physical with a man that I like and trust,” I have the freedom and power to decide when to keep someone outside of my space (in this case, my romantic space) and when to let him in.
Fundamentally, boundaries are about trust. When you don’t have healthy boundaries, you will frequently get hurt and burned, so your trust will quickly erode. Perhaps you then overcompensate in the future by creating boundaries that are too rigid so as not to feel vulnerable or victimized again. Your boundaries might even become so rigid and impermeable that they turn into emotional “walls.” However, it’s a chicken-and-egg game: if you don’t trust, you won’t let anyone in; if you can’t let anyone in, you can’t learn to trust.
Conversely, with healthy, “porous” boundaries, there is no need to intensely protect or defend anything – your time, your space, your needs, etc. When you know where your boundaries are, you have no fear of losing control, and you can relax. Just observe an infant, if you’re not sure what I mean. Take a screaming, stressed out baby and wrap it in a swaddle. Watch it immediately relax once it’s secure within the snug blanket, an early version of boundaries. With healthy boundaries, you always have a point of reference to go back to. You then decide when to stay firm and when to push yourself, when to reject people and experiences, and when to receive them.
So, exactly how do you know when to draw the line and when you and others should cross it? First, listen to your intuition. With each man in Italy who hits on me, I check in with my gut. If it tells me he’s bad news (i.e. I immediately don’t like his words or behaviors), I’m outta there. If it tells me he’s more passionate than I’m used to, but he’s safe, and it’s good for me to let myself be showered with attention and compliments, I allow myself to chat or hang out with him.
Next, identify whether your resistance to something or someone is coming from a place of healthy boundaries or simply from fear or habit. I used to work as an Outward Bound instructor. Whenever we would do a big rappel off of a cliff, the students would initially never want to take the leap. However, once they realized that the situation was safe, and they could trust the leaders, the equipment, and themselves, they inevitably experienced incredible joy during and after the rappel, elated with their newly expanded boundaries.
Bottom line: If your intuition tells you that it’s safe and important to experiment, even if you’re feeling scared, then push yourself. If your intuition is shouting, “Danger, Will Robin!” (even if perhaps your emotions are all for moving forward), then keep the boundary firm. More than anything else, boundaries are about trusting yourself. You must trust yourself to use good judgment and do what’s best for you, whether that means holding steady or pushing past fear and resistance.
Personal boundaries are also a good litmus test in our interactions with other people. If somebody crosses our boundaries inadvertently or against our will, we have to let them know. If they respect our request for an adjustment, they can be trusted. If not, we should move away from them. As Eleanor Roosevelt aptly stated, “Betray me once, shame on you. Betray me twice, shame on me.”
Life is too short to live in a scared, confined box, too afraid to push yourself out of your comfort zone. On the other hand, life is also too short to be a doormat that gets walked all over, instead of standing up for what you want and deserve. Don’t miss out on anyone or anything that allows you to expand your boundaries and personal horizons. Don’t waste your time with anyone who disrespects your boundaries or anything that causes you to constrict, rather than grow.
–Laurie Gardner
© 2008 by Laurie Gardner
