Imagine if there was online dating back in Biblical times:
Adam’s first email to Eve:
Dear tempting1:
I really like your profile. Is it true you have a pet snake?
Eve’s response to Adam:
Dear onemanonly:
Sure is! I love that apples are one of your favorite things…mine too!
Adam to Eve:
Wanna meet me under the big tree in the garden?
Eve to Adam:
Perfect. Meet you tomorrow in Eden at dawn.
Having ventured into the fascinating world of online dating for two weeks now, I must say that I’m learning a ton. For starters, I’ve learned that men and women communicate completely differently. I don’t just mean that women verbally process and men generally don’t “do feelings.” I mean the way we actually physically interact during dialogue is different.
For example, two female friends will continuously go back and forth in a conversation, interrupting each other frequently and freely, kind of like a ping-pong match. Neither party gets insulted, because each one knows she can chime in at any time, and when the other person jumps in, it’s to say something helpful or show she understands. Equal interaction and participation in the conversation is how women show support and interest in what’s being said.
With most men, meanwhile, if you jump in after they’ve started talking, it frequently throws them off-kilter. Even if you’re saying something supportive or asking a clarifying question, because men are generally single-focus (whereas most women as multi-taskers), your interruption will often cause men to lose their train of thought. Worse, they may feel insulted, shut down, and stop talking. During my online phone conversations, I’ve been practicing the important skill of silently listening for big chunks of time. I hold my questions and comments to the very end. Even when there is a long pause, and it seems like the guy has nothing else to say, I wait several seconds. Ten times out of ten, when given the space to continue talking, he will do so, often coming up with something even deeper and more interesting.
Furthermore, the same phrase can mean a completely different thing to men and women. For example, when a woman tells a man, “I care about you,” that usually means she feels affection, but doesn’t feel strongly enough to say, “I love you.” It’s like the booby prize to her deepest feelings. Moreover, it’s often followed by the word “but”: “I care about you, but this feels like just a friendship.” “I care about you, but this relationship isn’t working out.” When a woman tells a man, “I care about you,” she either isn’t interested in starting a romantic relationship, or she’s just about to end one.
Conversely, when a man says, “I care about you,” it’s often the first indication that he is starting to really fall for a woman. Men don’t usually jump right into “I love you;” they need a few warm-up steps and utterances on the path to feeling and expressing their deeper feelings. Completely opposite to a woman’s use of “I care about you,” this phrase to a man usually means he is interested in starting a romantic relationship.
Another thing I’ve learned to truly appreciate and enjoy about online dating is the ability to meet all kinds of people with whom I otherwise never would have crossed paths. My very first online responses were from men completely different than me: a fundamentalist Christian, a middle-aged farmer, an Orthodox Jew, and a Navy officer. I must admit, my first reaction was to run the other way. I had nothing in common with these people; what could I possibly say to them? But then I recognized what an amazing opportunity this was. The Internet was bringing folks from extremely diverse walks of life into my narrow world. I was eager to talk with each of them, to understand their ways of seeing the world, and to find out what was important to them. I’ve continued to meet people from all different backgrounds and perspectives. Ironically, some of the most connecting conversations I’ve had so far are with these “strange outsiders.”
For those of you who have been considering online dating but are turned off by the idea, I completely understand. I was there only two weeks ago. However, I really encourage you to try it. Even if you don’t ultimately end up finding a romantic connection, you’ll have exposure to people and worlds you’d otherwise never know. You’ll also get amazing practice at communicating, not only with members of the opposite sex, but with everyone you interact with. This skill is critical to everyone, not only those who are dating!
Finally, I’m becoming even clearer about who I am and what it is that I want, and not only in a romantic partner. With each online profile I read about people’s goals, political and spiritual views, and interests, I’m discovering what truly matters to me. At the same time I’m becoming more focused, I’m also surprising myself with the way my mind and heart are expanding. This attitude of being extremely open to all kinds of people with all types of life experiences is one that I’ll be taking with me out into the world long after my online subscription expires.
© 2009 by Laurie Gardner
