Last night, after doing a really fun dance workshop, I went to my favorite Japanese restaurant where customers can sit at the sushi bar. Where they first seated me, it smelled really strongly of something like a cross between ammonia and Glade bathroom air freshener. I thought maybe they had just wiped the counter, but then I realized it was the large man at the nearest table, absolutely reeking of cheap men’s cologne. Being as sensitive as I am to perfumes and such, I moved to the only other open spot at the far end of the bar. Right next to me was an extremely loud-talking woman with a really grating, nasal voice who over-enunciated each and every syllable. Before I sat down, I wondered whether I should’ve stayed in the first seat, but then I decided that it was better to have a loud conversation next to me than to have the cologne odor ruin the taste of my food.
Just as my sushi arrived – and I’m not making this up – the loud lady started talking about (I should say, shouting about) her close friend who’s obsessed with dead bodies. She starts going into gory detail about these mangled corpse photos the friend posted on Facebook, prattling on and on in graphic detail about each and every severed body part. Needless to say, not the most appetizing dinner conversation when eating raw fish flesh. I tried plugging my ear with my finger, but that made my chewing noises unbearably noisy in my own head.
Ironically, the theme of the dance workshop was to notice what’s around you and be aware of how you’re affecting and being affected by those in your space. Clearly, Mr. Overdone Old Spice and Mrs. Mouthy Morbid had no clue.
Fortunately, I was in a good mood, so I simply chuckled as I finished eating, then paid the bill. But on the drive home, I started thinking more seriously, “So, what happens when you can’t control who or what’s in your space…what then?” I suppose I could’ve just slapped some money down on the counter and left without eating my meal, but then I would’ve been hungry. I could’ve asked the annoying woman to please lower her voice, but I’ve learned from experience that people who talk that loudly and inappropriately in public often truly don’t know how to modulate their output. Perhaps I should’ve said something to the waitresses, but they can’t control their customers’ body odors and conversational habits.
I pondered more about boundaries and whom I do and don’t let into my space, both physically and emotionally. Sometimes, people push their way in, and I have to firmly and quickly escort them back out. One of my greatest teachers on this front is my two-year-old nephew. Whenever his big sister invades his space in an overly aggressive way, grabbing at him too forcefully or trying to steal his toys, he screams, “No!” and immediately and decisively pushes her away. I wish I had learned to set such clear boundaries and to claim and protect my own space at such an early age.
At the next stoplight, I thought about the flip side of the dance class’ lesson. Many of us have been taught that we’re supposed to be more mindful of the world around us, but what about when we really don’t want to notice what’s going on around us (like that woman’s awful conversation)? Or what about when we’re fully aware of how our behaviors impact others around us, but we want, and maybe even need, to be selfish and honor our own needs? For example, in Boston, I lived in a really old building with extremely thin walls, and every time I watched my TV, even at only one-third volume, my upstairs neighbors could hear it through their floor and complained. For a while, I stopped watching TV altogether just to make them happy, but then I thought, “Why shouldn’t I be allowed to watch TV at a normal volume level at a normal hour in my own house? Just because their need is for silence, my need is to unwind by watching TV right now.” While I was as courteous as I could be when watching TV, there was only so much I could do without sacrificing my needs completely to theirs.
That leads me to some important questions: When do we put others’ needs before our own, when do we put our needs first, and when do we compromise? And how much of that depends upon the specific relationship? For example, in an intimate partnership, that balance must be delicately resolved moment to moment, instance to instance, because both partners want the relationship to last, and healthy partnership is generally understood to be about working together in an equal, give-and-take manner. However, in a situation like with the strangers in the sushi bar, who I may or may not ever see again, or even with my upstairs neighbors with whom I wasn’t all that close, is there a different rule for how much to work together to balance their vs. my needs? Or should we always aim for the same balance, as if we were connected to everyone (which ultimately we are)?
I’d love everyone’s thoughts and feedback on these issues, specifically:
- When do you think we need to be more mindful and respectful of those around us, and when should we not care?
- When do we put our own needs before others, or theirs before ours…or need to land somewhere in the middle?
- What can people do to set more healthy boundaries and not let others enter their physical and emotional space without their permission?
Please write your thoughts in the comment box below this posting. Thanks so much!
Peace,
Laurie
• When do you think we need to be more mindful and respectful of those around us, and when should we not care?
I think striving for respect and compassion of others is always the optimal goal. Generally each of us is dealing with a struggle on some level and a little kindness can go a long way! I do my best to remember that each person I interact with in the world is a “mirror” or “teacher” for me in some regard.
• When do we put our own needs before others, or theirs before ours…or need to land somewhere in the middle?
When I look back, the individuals that have “pushed my buttons” the most in life have been my greatest teachers. I try (not always successfully in the moment) to remember that NOTHING truly has to do with blame of another….it’s always about my lesson, growth, “issue”! Sort of like each person and situation are the players in my own personal life play.
• What can people do to set more healthy boundaries and not let others enter their physical and emotional space without their permission?
I try to be respectful and kind to others but in situations where a boundary is crossed such as unnecessary rudeness, a snoring roommate at a workshop etc. communication, even very frank communication, might be required. If it’s done with a good intention, it can often push the other to reflect on their behavior/choices as well. I also believe in “grounding”….using a “bubble of protection” etc. to maintain my own healthy boundaries.
I see my main need is to be present —- being with
body breathes, nurturing my essence. But, most of the
time my life is mechanical and caught up in the
events of life. But, having a desire for well-wishing
toward others, and a wish to trust my inner guidance
— helps me with all of these questions. Thank you
for your questions !
Thank you for the insightful e-mail Laurie.
I’m on an adventure of finding myself and through this journey, acceptance of myself_with my human “Blemishes” has allowed me to embrace the little nuinaces within this life.
When I allow my Spirit to lead me_a vantage point of love enables me to be more mindful and respectful of those beings of Light I encounter,Like me_To be_My greatest_in this lifetime!
Often times I found that being True to myself brings/activates/vibrates the exact same towards me through my daily interactions with those around me_those far away like family and friends and lastly_in the Spiritual Realm where only my greatest good is being “championed” and aplauded.
We simply cannot “not care” as that does not reside within our core. When I act from a place of love,Be from a place of Love,Think and Do from a place of love_My needs and those around me are met/reciprocated.
Boundaries in my opinion limit my opportunity to Shine My Light,Illuminating the way for others_limits my potential to teach and to learn Invaluable lessons experienced through the journey travelle to where I am right now.
Safely,that which I exude is returned.And I am content,saying No,when my heart,mind and soul feels the “reflection” of Ill or Impure Intent from those I am here to serve in my capacity as a Lightworker,a Child of the Universe_Pure_Deep_True_Unconditional!
Only,ever allowing_that_which I intend out to the Universe_for my hearts content_
Light,Love,Laughter and Blessings
In Abundance
Cassiopia
Please continue sharing as you do_you have,through your message,Inspired me_to do the same! I Thank You Laurie *Angel Face_dancing with excitement and ptimism for this new found “Oneness”
How timely My spouse was not feeli g well last night. actually miserably sick. And I was so tired. Yet he couldn’t sleep and was in so much pain (we thought food poisoning) and there I was asking myself a similar question. Not sure where the patience and energy came from but I was rotating compresses and holding his head and I could barely stand.
I thought about the last two weeks how i had burned the candle both ends In order to satisfy clients and their needs and realizing I hadn’t made time to care for my own needs. Nor had I had any time for my husband. Now he needed me and I was made aware. I thought of parents with sick kids and how they would cope and even my clients and how they are able to prioritize their lives and started to question what are general healthy working habits and boundaries.
Funny, it was all a dash to leave on a well deserved vacation but here I am waiting in emergency while he gets prepped for an appendectomy. I caress that sweet head and think how my needs must be part of the equation when calculating a schedule so I can show up for the unexpected. At those critical moments in life it’s clear that being professional is one thing but I needn’t deplete energy stores to prove my commitment to work.
Love your questions.
We are always better served to be mindful, respectful and kind to those around us. That being said, we too benefit in caring to maintain (not restrict) the joyous flow of universal intelligence/juicy life energy running through us…as that is simply our birthright. If we are little units of vibrational content, of which we are, and we allow all to be around us, we, by way of nature, are guided to what is the next best choice for ourselves. In other words we stop our flow when we resist the current state of existence and find it difficult to zig instead of zag…to mean if we are allowing it all to just be, and the external vibe is not congruent we will either move elsewhere, bless the sleep walkers, order take out….and find the humor in knowing we “are our attention”….marvelous magic to know we conjure, create and manifest our perception of the external.
K, that’s the wise shit!
The “I” response…..offer stinky a jug of tomato juice to scrub with, and tell the obnoxious one that all are not interested in her bizarre way of attention seeking!
O, was that out loud…..
Better to allow, allow, allow….all of it! So our wisdom can pour forth directing us with grace. Getting stuck with the “problem” never grants good outcomes….Einstein told me!
Love you and thank you for inviting me to hear what I so need to hear from myself!