Have you ever understood a loved one’s situation more clearly than he or she does, but weren’t sure whether to say something or to bite your tongue?
The other day, my friend was talking on and on in an angry, confused haze about her unfaithful boyfriend, and I just wanted to blurt out, “Dump the dirtball!” Last month, a couple of my family members were engaging in behaviors and attitudes that were harmful to them both, but I wasn’t sure whether to clue them in. After all, it’s their life, right?
Some people would say that it’s important to always be honest and speak your mind to those whom you care about, no matter what. But as a Sagittarius, I’ve learned that sharing our insights honestly is much more nuanced than that. (Sagittarians are notorious for being extremely intuitive and observant, but also at times too blunt.) While in my younger days, I used to immediately, candidly share whatever I saw, thinking I was being helpful, I now walk through a few key questions before opening my mouth:
- Does this person have and want a clue? Sometimes, people just need to vent. They don’t actually want a way out of their difficult situation; they just want a listening ear. You’ll know this is the case when you offer sharp insights and a clear solution to the problem they’re complaining about, and instead of a light bulb and a thank you, they continue to complain even further.
- Have they asked for your advice and perspective? If not, I keep my intuitive observations to myself. Unless they’ve specifically invited me to share my feedback, either in the moment, after I ask whether they want it, or implicitly (because we’re close and that’s what we do for each other), it’s not my place to say anything.
- Will I help or hinder their learning by speaking up? Everyone is on his or her own learning curve, making mistakes and hopefully choosing and acting more wisely in the future. Often, we inadvertently end up enabling others instead of letting them fall or fail. As a result, we actually rob them of the learning that needed to take place in that moment for them to progress on their path.
- Is it a life and death or otherwise serious situation? Of course, when someone is doing something that is endangering his or her life, all restraints are off. Staying married to someone who physically or emotionally abuses you? You’re going to hear my direct take on that one, no holds barred. About to swallow some pills in a desperate suicide attempt? I’m grabbing the pills out of your hand and immediately flushing them; you can learn this lesson more slowly with your counselor.
In sum, just because you see others’ situations clearly and want to help them, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you should. Sometimes, people don’t want to be helped. Other times, they may even ask for your help, but aren’t yet ready to take it in. Don’t take it personally if they don’t listen or follow your advice; how many times have you yourself ignored others’ sage advice, only coming to the same conclusions and decisions much later?
If you’re unsure whether to speak up or shut up, run yourself through the key questions. If you’re still not sure, trust your gut and know that it will all work out fine. If you say too much, they’ll forgive you later, and if not, they weren’t meant to be in your life anymore. If you don’t speak up, they’ll figure it out on their own when they’re supposed to. Life is a joyous growth process, and the only ones we’re ultimately responsible for cluing in is ourselves.
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I love the clear way you frame things. It makes the ideas easy to use and remember. I have struggled with when to keep my mouth shut. Like many guys, I often end up offering advice and trying to fix it when someone else just wants to be heard. Like so many of your posts, this seems obvious to me AFTER I have read it. Thank you!
I think the decision tree on this one is complex.
I agree with your first point. Eric Berne wrote a famous transactional analysis book called “Games People Play”. In it, they describe the personality who constantly complains but rejects all advice. They are called the “Why don’t you…Yes but.” People who solicit answers to problems and then find reasons to disregard them. Exhausting for the listener/advice giver unless it is a one-time need to be heard.
When somebody raises a problem, there is definitely some triage to be done between, are they playing “Why don’t you…Yes but.” in order to get a sympathy payoff or are they genuinely looking for something else. Then as you rightly say Laurie, there is more triage to be done.
I have Sagittarius rising and all the social skills of your classic Aquarian because half the time I’m not even on the planet. I’ve learned to keep my mouth closed far more as I age but between really good friends, then that is implicitly part of the contract unless stated otherwise. That we help the other see when he or she is blind? I have had friends say “why didn’t you tell me?”
That was a new mother who didn’t know that nipple guards existed and was going through agony breast-feeding her new born. I could have so easily argued that that really was none of my business.
“I didn’t know how to tell you.” is no longer an excuse. We need to find the emotional and natural language to navigate these situations with grace.
I find that challenge even more interesting. Pick your battles sure, but to seek out the right moment and the right language/angle to address the problem from if you decide to broach it, is the real challenge. It requires emotional strategy. If they bring it up and frankly I don’t know how to answer them then being humble enough to say “You know – at present, I’m not sure and I don’t want to give you bad advice. Can I think about it for a few hours/days. If what you say always comes from a love intention and if I am sensitive in framing the problem then maybe I should always put a toe in the water. I could start obliquely by asking them if they see something as a challenge because unless they agree that there is a problem and that they are ready to change either their point of view or their situation then they will never be ready to authentically explore solutions.
That needs to be rapidly sniffed out and if they are not ready, I’m careful not to fall into the “Why don’t you…Yes but” game but to devote my energy to something more worthy. I now also try to clarify before I share whether I just want to be heard or whether I want advice.
I remember a friend calling me. She was very upset about her situation and I, the MBA, pulled out left-brained reassurance after left-brained reassurance for her. Wrong!
Crying even harder, she let me know that what she needed was empathy. I totally panicked when I realized that I didn’t know how to give empathy on the phone. She couldn’t see the empathy in my eyes and I couldn’t physically touch her. I’ve since learned language techniques to show empathy on the phone.
Had we not been on the phone, I would have naturally fallen into a heartfelt hug, some hand-holding, eye-contact and reformulation to show that I had understood the other person’s pain. To be able to say “Are you looking for advice or do you just want to sit with the feelings for a while? is a much underrated question followed by “Let me know if you would you like to be by yourself right now.”
I am so grateful for this moment with my friend and the new skill and sensitivity it taught me. I’m also learning how to better discern what my response should be by asking myself the question “What does my friend need most right now?” (I’m still crawling on this one – hope to be walking soon). Is it a confidence boost, is it calming down, is it reassurance, is it information or is it simply to share the silence?
Lastly, I have accepted that sometimes, I am going to get it wrong and have an apology to make. That’s fine with me so long as I thought I was doing the most helpful, loving thing at the time. To the friends who can’t accept the apology, I’m grateful for whatever there was between us but also ready to move on. Those are games that I don’t play.
Thanks, Fiona, for your important, articulate thoughts! Yes, it is nuanced indeed. I love your point about the balance between being willing to put your toe in the water but also to not play games.
Wow! This is wise. I wish to remember this when I
am beginning to give “advice”. I need to read this
a few times!
Thank you.
Thank you for such wonderful Words of Wisdom! Your emails always inspire much-needed thoughtful reflection 🙂
Great subject – and always timely because it addresses a daily challenge, and one most of us want to know how to navigate in a way that works best for all involved. I value all the responses above – and thank you Fiona for a well thought out excellent response.
When someone presents me with their complaints/ challenges they are dealing with I make the decision to listen to them fully until they seem to be completely done talking about what they are struggling with. I then paraphrase it back to them and ask them if I understood what they were saying, and if I got it all, waiting for them to think on it, and if they want to correct or add to what I said, and on their confirmation that I got what they were saying fully, I take a longish pause, I acknowledge how challenging it is to find a solution to what they are experiencing, and then ask what they would like from me. And if they say they needed to vent and that’s done – then that’s done. If they say they want to know what I think about what they are struggling with/ or if they ask for advice I usually find I have a # of questions I need to ask to fully understand what they are struggling with so I ask them if they are open to my questions so I can understand better. After exploring my questions with them, I once again check in to confirm that they want my thinking on it. If they do, then I will tell them that what I have found that works best for me and those in my life, is to avoid giving advice and instead to use Byron Katie’s inquiry process – 4 questions and a turn around on the complaints they are presenting. I ask them – do you want to resolve this and find peace with it? And then if they say yes, I provide them with a Katie worksheet and ask them to fill it in and once they are done I do the work with them. If I don’t have a worksheet with me and we cannot download it from her website I use a piece of paper. If they don’t want to do this I am perfectly at peace with that and let them know that that is all I have to offer at this age and stage of my life. I will repeat the same offering to them should they bring this challenge up again, and let them know that life is too short and glorious for me to be willing to participate any more if they are unwilling to try something that I know works.
I wondered if it could possibly work on all struggles and challenges and presented Katie’s workshop to six survivors of the Rwandan genocide to see if it could work for them. After working with Katie they got it and it resolved their issues and brought them peace. If you are interested in this you can check out her website and watch the video of her working with people and their issues and/or attend one of her workshops or her school.
It is all about whether you want peace and joy in your life by growing up your mind. Our minds tend to get stuck on old stories. I have been using this for over 15 years in all aspects of my life and I only continue to use tools that give me the results I want and this does. I live a peaceful, joyful, meaningful life moment to moment.
Hey Laurie, really liked the article. Really practical and explanative. A friend of mine told me once how when she spoke with her mother, she always checked in at the start by asking ‘do you want to vent or want advice’ but your method seems a little less forward than that. Can recall many times when an ex-girfriend of mine sat there and listened to me but she never said anything, ever, until after we broke up…So its a fine balance. Anyway, wanted to say nice framework for the approach and topic 🙂